Omg my life sucked so hard but chopped mushrooms made it awesome
Ok, as much as I hate infomercials, especially when in most of them, after people take a bite of whatever food was made with the stupid cooking invention no one would ever use more than once, they start convulsing and jizzing in their pants like they just ate Zeus’s nutsack. Actually that bugs me about most food network shows too. Anyway, I think most of the time people watch such infomercials and are like, hey yeah that’s kind of neat, I’d like a pan I could make easy quesadillas in as if putting cheese on a tortilla and microwaving it for 60 seconds wasn’t easy enough, and they sort of go along listening to the commercial and watching it and probably not really caring all that much about the gibberish the salesperson is spouting. That’s what I do, anyway.
And then, at one point, while I had to watch tv, I saw THIS infomercial:
I really think this commercial is all about seeing if you’re paying attention. It’s like when I’m talking on the phone to someone and I think he or she is emailing someone and I start talking about the club-footed taco-eating micropenis-covered beasts from Jupiter just to see if the person on the other line is listening. When I saw this commercial, I was like, “wait, what?!” at the following lines in particular:
“Stop having a boring life,” because. . .you eat tuna without chopped veggies in it. Put some chopped veggies in it, and “you’re gonna have an exciting life now!” Holy shit–little did I know, the nights of sitting around my house, mouth agape, wondering how on earth I came to this point in my life where I’m eating such dull shit as canned tuna will totally be a thing of the past once I can put some chopped veggies in it. Wait I usually put mayonnaise in it and spread it on bread and then put jalapenos and pepperoncinis on it. That’s already a little bit interesting, isn’t it, you presumptuous man presuming I live a boring life?
“You’re gonna love my nuts.” Ok that is so obviously just thrown in there for the giggles. I don’t have to have the brain of a middle schooler to c wut he did thar.
“The reason you’re gonna slap away every day is ’cause it’s so easy to clean.” Ok I do have to have the brain of a middle schooler (and I do) to think there’s innuendo in that one.
tacos fettuccine linguine martini bikini – whatever dude now you’re just saying shit.
Anyway it’s pretty funny and I’ve learned I’m not the only person on the interwebs to have done a double take after listening to it. The phrase “we’re gonna make America skinny again one slap at a time” is a little bit disturbing, but then again I had a plan to make America “skinny again” as well. My plan was to give the northern 1/3 to Canada and the Southern 1/3 to Mexico, and then America would just be one long skinny strip of land.
