An ivory tower that touches the moon

I was thinking–there’s this Biblical story about a King named Solomon who has to adjudicate a case where a woman comes to him saying the woman she works for as a servant killed her baby by rolling over onto it or something at night, and the woman took her dead baby and gave it to the servant and took the servant’s live baby for herself. Solomon decides who’s the real mom by saying he’ll solve the dillema by chopping the baby in half and giving one half to each. The “real mom” is like, nooo just give the baby to her then and the fake mom is like “yes delicious infant meats!”

Ok first off–after the first mom is like, “ok nevermind!” I’m not sure why the second one would still be clammoring for dismemmbered baby. If anything I think this shows Solomon’s method was flawed. Obviously the second woman was freakin’ insane-o. Maybe he was right and the first woman was the mom, but not because of her desire for her child to live, but because the second woman obviously just has a baby-killing fetish and probably stole the other woman’s baby in order to make a tender stew.

The other thing I thought, though, it’s possible the woman who stole the baby was like, “ok, dude, nevermind, I didn’t want it that bad.” And I’m not sure why a woman who would want a baby so much she would steal one would be satisfied with a bloody pair of dangling legs. Maybe the real mom was just like “if I can’t have my baby, no one can!” and Solomon gave the baby to the theif.

In any case, what you’re supposed to get out of the story is “a real mom who loves her child would rather it live with another mother, and a fake theiving mom, uh, doesn’t care if kids are arbitrarily killed.” Then again, this was biblical times, right? Maybe the real mom was just trying to spare her kid from old-school God’s bullshit. Although I suppose if you follow the tenets of Christianity, life is just the very beginning of God’s bullshit.

I suppose one might think, “hey, you only get bullshit if you’re a non-believer, otherwise you go to heaven.” I, however, think heaven is probably just as shitty as hell if it exists. I can either go live in paradise with people who make me want to puke anyway, or live in hell with my friends and gay people (and many who are a combination of the two). Fire with awesome people, or clouds with shitty people? Either way your options suck, but at least option A would be interesting even though it’d be miserable.

But I digress. Back to chopped baby with a side of potatoes. I think this story, along with every other Bible story, is a good example of something invented by someone who didn’t give a shit about plot holes. I think the writers of the Bible were all reincarnated as the writers of horror flicks today. It all makes so much sense now.

Now I need another sentence because ending on 499 words bothers me. There it was.