In other news, the sky is blue!

March 27, 2009 at 2:45 pm (WTF?) (, , )

Ok, this totally astounds me.

Apparently, a study had to be done to determine whether crabs feel pain.

Seriously, all this time I thought crabs and lobster were boiled alive because people just didn’t give a shit whether they felt pain, not because people actually thought they didn’t feel pain. I didn’t know one would have to inflict pain on a crab and record the results to determine that crabs don’t like hurty.

I think this article is in that same “does a bear shit in the woods?” category. Duh animals enjoy sex. I’m pretty sure my cat doesn’t incessantly lick his own dick because he wants to clean it. Do scientists not own pets? I guess it seemed obvious to me that animals sat around fighting for mates all the time because they were horny, not because they were actually thinking about passing on their genes. Nature shows make it seem as if the latter is their reasoning, but if that were the case animals would have to have a greater capacity for introspection than humans have. I know I wasn’t thinking about passing along my genes when I was having sex with my boyfriend in my truck cab when I was 17. Hell quite the opposite considering we used a condom.

Hey my fuckity fuck fuck tag is literal this time.

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If my life was like a beer commercial I’d have to be a drag king to enjoy it

March 23, 2009 at 8:50 am (Annoying things, Awesome Things) ()

I am a regular reader of “The Filthy Critic,” which is funny most of the time, but I particularly loved this latest review of “I love you, man.”

Particularly poignant quotes, imo:

My point is, beer commercials dictate far too many of the social mores to our passive society

And also:

Segel is a supremely confident bachelor. He turned his garage into a “man-cave” full of apparently guy stuff, like drums and guitars. You know, because chicks never play musical instruments, or watch a lot of TV, or jerk off in a special chair.

God, yes. This reminds me of one time I was watching those repulsive shows about rich yuppies buying huge houses and this one couple was like, the dude needed his “man room” and pretty much everything awesome that was going to be in the house went in it. Excuse me, but maybe I want to play poker and video games and partake in destroying my liver at the wet bar too?

Sometimes I wonder, if was really how most dudes were, wouldn’t most women just become lesbians or cat ladies? Surely anything would be better than having to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t even think you’re cool enough to play poker or Super Smash Bros. with. I suppose that’s where the cultural narrative of women being catty, evil beasts as opposed to simple, righteous men (who will at once not want a thing to do with you, the woman, and would rather hang out with other guys once they’re with you anyway, yet somehow are better to be with, explain that one to me) comes in. Do people even think about this shit for one second of their lives? How ridiculous it is, and particularly, how beneficial to only one party in a relationship it is?

I mean, I KNOW it’s not how most dudes are but you wouldn’t know that from watching movies or beer commercials or reading video game forums.

Anyway, yeah. I think Filthy is spot on with his analysis of bromance and the Budweiser society. And Georgia O’Keefe paintings. I have no freakin’ idea how she could claim she never intended those flowers to be vaginas. If she were alive today I’m sure she’d believe putting fried chicken and watermelon on Obama Bucks is totally a coincidence and it’s “just food” as well.

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Making up for that last video. . .

March 20, 2009 at 10:34 am (Random)

Okay, that last video induced a lot of projectile vomiting, but then I saw this video, and my stomach has stopped punishing me and I can clean the walls. This video is really funny, anyway.

more about "Making up for that last video. . .", posted with vodpod

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Baby Jesus Christ on a flaming pogo stick on a derailing rollercoaster

March 20, 2009 at 10:14 am (Politics, WTF?) (, )

And I bet these are the same people who refuse to believe humans evolved from a primate ancestor. Well, and they’re so stupid they think evolution means “if we evolved from monkeys why are there still monkeys.”

Sometimes I think we probably devolved from monkeys.

I can’t even really form a commentary on this horse shit because the stupidity just speaks for itself, and, well, the Canadians in the comments sum it up pretty well.

I guess the only thing I can add really that’s a side point–these fuckin dingleberries said something like, “Andrew Leslie, an unusual name for a man–”

Errr, even assuming their bullshit machismo emasculating ideas regarding first names which can be both male and female were true, it sounded like it was the dude’s last name. I didn’t realize even last names had to be totally manly macho to pass the muster of fascist conservative gender-role enforcers. I guess any man with a last name that isn’t “Danger” or “Killmaster” needs to go change it RIGHT NOW!

There really was so much “lol Canadians aren’t MACHO enough” in this it was nauseating. I wish these fuckfaces would start their own Theocracy on a deserted island somewhere already.

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Funn

March 19, 2009 at 12:41 pm (Politics, Random) ()

Ok, this is the funniest shit shirt I’ve seen all day–

I was walking to class and I saw a dude with a shirt that said “I Survived the Bush Administration” on top, a photo which I assume was Bush-Administration-Related but was too fuzzy and gray for me to discern its contents, and on the bottom the years 2000-2008.

I wonder if the back said “and all I got was this lousy t-shirt?”

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Meanwhile, alcohol sales are up.

March 16, 2009 at 7:37 am (Annoying things, Politics, WTF?) (, , )

Despite the obscenities I’m going to unleash, I’m not full of anger or something. I’m sitting here peacefully, attempting to caffeinate myself out of slumber, contemplating the reason for my existence. I am typically powerless to rise from bed for a good fifteen minutes and my husband decided to make it a much more pleasant fifteen minutes by putting on Good Morning America instead of that vile circle jerk the Today show. Well, more pleasant thus far, for all I know Good Morning America is just as nauseating.

However, reading the news yesterday and today, and waking up to it today on my TV, I just have one thing to say about this whole “AIG is contractually obligated to give all the money it received from the U.S. taxpayers to it’s fucking pig face executives.”

Oh. Hell. Nyah.

I watched “lawmakers” say horseshit like “this is a country of laws! The government can’t abrogate contracts! They are contractually obligated to pay those bonuses!”

You know who wasn’t contractually obligated to pay them?

ME, assholes!

At this point I think the government just needs to say, look, you fucking idiots, that money was pretty much a loan from the American people, and we are demanding payment now. Go into bankruptcy. Go to hell, all of you. Just go piss up a rope, take a long walk off a short bridge, stab yourself in the face with a rusty knife, etc. etc.

The big fear is “ohhh AIG is gonna take a bunch of businesses down with them if they fail!” Oh yeah? Those businesses they are propping up by paying their own shitfucking executives?

At this point AIG needs to fail. It is such a festering, throbbing shitpile of stupidity, to not let them fail would be to spit in the very face of not only every American in the country, but in the face of progress, common sense, common decency, and common “holy shit Koresh was right, the cyanide laced kool-aid is less freakin’ insane than this bullshit right here.”

I know–I KNOW the loss of jobs will be sucky, the impact on the economy–sucky. But “the only real option is to make sure this doesn’t happen again by pressuring AIG to renegotiate contracts hur hur hur” is not a fucking option.

You know, it’s pretty clear that I’m a partisan hack at this point, which is weird because I’ve always pretty much been an embittered conspiracy nut, believing both parties live to serve our oligarchical overlords while dividing us over social issues. I guess thank you, AIG, for reminding me of this. For a second there I thought the democratic party might have had at least a moment of lucidity where they’d at least ATTEMPT to put a stopgap on this insanity, but no, I was wrong.

I mean seriously, if this festering horse shit happens, I do not want one fucking person in elected office right now to return. Republicans and democrats alike because they all make me want to vomit. But what is the option? The republicans fancy themselves the “loyal opposition” when they are pretty fuckin obviously the same shit from a different asshole since this type of clusterfuck essentially stems from their “businesses should be able to do whatever they want including urinate in your mouth because that’s the FREE MARKET BABY and if you say anything else you’re a SOCIALIST.” The problem of the democrats is their mealy-mouthed “well gee we don’t want to be SOCIALISTS oh my GOD a building is burning down what do we do, hey guys could you stop setting buildings on fir–OK OVERLORDS PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!”

So basically my “partisan hackery” stems from the fact that there is either the party which runs on the social platform of hate and religious oppression, or the one that runs on slightly less of the same, so I pool my chips from the latter. Hey, I have to remind myself of the good there has been done–Guantanamo will be closed, the global gag rule is gone–I care about, you know, liberty, decency, that kind of bullshit, right?

I can’t stop remembering, though, about the corporate overlords, apparently. No matter how many shiny socially-progressive things happen, it’s pretty obvious a “corporate giant” like AIG can open up the figurative mouth of the U.S. and take a big steaming shit in it, and no one can do a fucking thing about it.

Or at least that’s the word so far. I’m welcome to unexpected, pleasant surprises.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHA

March 15, 2009 at 3:01 pm (Politics, WTF?) (, , )

Omg omg omg omg

What the hell man. Is this a joke? Is this for real? This cannot be fucking serious. HuffPo is pulling my leg and I do not appreciate it.

Tucker Carlson. . .calling Jon Stewart a partisan hack.

I don’t care if Jon Stewart is a “partisan hack” (whatever the fuck that means, I’m pretty sure Jon Stewart never pretended to be fair and balanced, and I didn’t realize there was a law against being partisan). . .

I don’t care how big of a “partisan hack” he is.

Even assuming Jon Stewart IS a partisan hack, Tucker Carlson calling ANYONE a partisan hack is like. . .

It’s like Barry Bonds calling A-Rod a ‘roid head

It’s like Dick Cheney calling a bear a godless killing machine.

It’s like Eminem calling Weird Al “whitey.”

It’s like Budweiser calling Coors urine-like swill.

It’s like The Star calling The National Enquirer a trashy rag.

It’s like an undead calling an orc stinky.

I think you get the picture.

It’s the quintessential “hey there pot, meet kettle!”

Is this man seriously that delusional, or does the entire aggregate of republican pundits consist of bizarre, highly coordinated, Kaufman-esque performance artists? It’s either one. There is no other option. I’ve seriously thought that about Ann Coulter for a long time, I really think she’s the most elaborate instance of satire ever, but apparently EVERYONE is getting in on the act.

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At least someone else is sick of the media’s contempt for homebuyers.

March 11, 2009 at 10:58 am (Annoying things, Politics) (, , )

I was talking to a friend of mine about the administration’s plans to bail out homeowners, and shared frustration over language like “no we’re not going to help people who got in over their heads and bought homes they never could have afforded in the first place.” I mean I understand that people don’t like the idea of their tax money going towards irresponsible people, but it has been anyway–just to irresponsible banks instead of irresponsible home owners. More importantly, how do they seek to distinguish these “irresponsible” people from those who could have afforded their mortgages had they not been hurt by this economic downturn? This whole thing snowballed–it’s just an incorrect narrative to say everyone involved in this crisis and who has lost their homes in this crisis is “irresponsible” and just went in over their heads knowing the whole time they couldn’t afford what they were getting into.

Imagine the kind of things the minions of the corporate-owned media must think of every day people to think “people were just stupidly taking huge loans they KNEW THEY COULDN’T AFFORD because they just fucking loved the idea of losing their homes and being foreclosed on.” What kinds of assumptions must one make in order to believe that? Why do we keep watching these assholes, giving them ratings and supporting their pocketbooks when they are so contemptuous of us?

Furthermore, you can call bailing on a house you have insurmountable amounts of negative equity on “irresponsible” all you want, but the fact is, if the banks and government are unwilling to help people who have no motivation aside from a sense of responsibility to stay in their upside down homes, well, the only thing that makes economic sense is to bail on those mortgages and start renting. Either way said homeowner is throwing money down the drain, but in the latter circumstance he or she is paying a hell of a lot less and isn’t responsible for repairs. Why should Jane and Molly homeowners be “responsible” and adhere to their obligations when there’s not a chance in hell the people who could actually afford to do so would do the same? When the people who have a much bigger impact on the economy have in fact chosen NOT to do so?

It’s in everyone’s best interests to modify these loans, but for some reason we’re mired in some social Darwinist thought where people deserve to be kicked to the curb for their follies, and no one cares if they take the banks down with them because the government will prop the banks up. Giving money to the rich is stimulating, giving it to anyone else is socialism!

Anyway, to the point, it’s pretty sad the only person out there actually defending homeowners from so-called journalists calling them “losers” and treating them as a monolithic, bumbling entity of irresponsibility and stupidity is the host of a “variety show:“

http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=220252&title=cnbc-gives-financial-advice is the link to comedy central, in case it gets deleted from youtube.

Fuck you! No other phrase would have done justice in this circumstance. Yeah, those “losers” had no reason to be optimistic and trust the banks, right? Fuck them for thinking the economy would continue to grow like everyone told them it would? The hypocrisy–it burns!

Hindsight is 20/20, and it’s pretty easy to sit there and say “anyone who got one of these loans was an idiot!” Or even “anyone who bought a house in that market is an idiot” when you are inoculated from this situation by your fucking coin vault of money you swim in, because truly, even the most responsible of the responsible are hurting right now. You can’t redefine irresponsible to include anyone who isn’t a fucking psychic.

Aside from the elegance of Jon Stewart’s response, this got me thinking, where the hell ARE the voices of homeowners in all this? We get one homeless woman begging Obama for help and that’s about all I’ve seen. (Which, by the way, Republicans ridiculed as “lolololol everyone just wants houses handed to them now! Silly plebians, don’t they know only company CEO’s get billions of government money handed to them? We need our lavish spa getaways, you know. You plebs don’t need homes, you can find cardboard boxes, somewhere, can’t you?”)

Why don’t we hear from these so called “losers?” What could they have been thinking taking on all that debt, right? Wow, how could anyone possibly be so stupid? The lower half really is like another species, amirite? Maybe we can’t have people who were totally taken and blindsided in this market talk, because then it’d be a whole lot harder to demonize them, and to act like a bunch of fucking wallstreet morons booing in a room are the people Obama should be “listening to” when deciding who to help with stimulus and bailout money.

Let’s hear from some struggling homeowners instead of ivory-tower dwelling pundits postulating their states of mind. I bet we’d hear a lot of “well we planned to get a small house but we were told we could afford what we ended up buying through this type of loan, and we were told we’d be fine since the market is exploding. Since it was the fucking financial institution telling us this, we fucking believed them. What reason did we have to think they would lie to us and jerk us around? I was working with Chase/Wachovia/Fannie Mae/etc., I’ve been banking with them for years, I trusted them, I had no reason to believe I was dealing with snake oil salesman. I had no reason not to trust that this bank had my best interests in mind. I’ve been culturally indoctrinated to think homeownership is one of the most important milestones of my life and I did all I could to achieve that. I thought the bank was helping me. Now I’m being told I should have been wary all along? Now I’m being told caveat emptor when I had no reason to believe I had anything to be wary of?”

“Fuck you” is right.

I hope CNBC gets crushed and destroyed by this, kinda like Crossfire. Then we’ll see who the “losers” are.

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Amazing! What will you tell me next–the sky is blue?

March 8, 2009 at 4:31 pm (Random) (, )

I have no idea why people are still completely shocked and amazed when a wild animal is a “man eater.” Various nature documentaries seek to shock and awe us by describing various tigers, giant snakes, bears, and what have you, as “man eaters.”

Maybe I missed the memo, but I didn’t realize there was something about humans that made them less appetizing to big animals with big sharp teeth. I mean anacondas eat deer, I’m sure they’re pleased as punch when they get the opportunity to eat something that’s already roughly the shape of its own shit, like a human, rather than something with big mean horns and hooves. I’m sure tigers, which eat creatures that can break their limbs and give them massive gashes, see humans as the best snack EVER. I mean crap, we can’t run worth a damn and we run scared from mice.

How the hell is anyone shocked when various predators eat humans? I’d be more shocked if a lion was like, “damn I’m totally not going after that naked, defenseless villager because it’s a man. I’d much rather take on this fierce water buffalo and its angry kindred.”

Are great white sharks bloodthirsty mankillers or just misunderstood?!? I dunno–a dude on a surfboard is probably a hell of a lot slower than a seal, that shark is probably hungry, what the fuck do you think?

I get that some animals might learn, “damn humans have guns and those hurt. I’m going to stay away from those fuckers.” But it’s not as if anacondas have an oral tradition to pass this down to their eggs they don’t even rear. Is the suggestion that predators should have humans = not food ingrained into their instincts through genetics? If staying away from humans was the smart genetic path the not-so-smart “man eaters” wouldn’t be the ones to create generations of horrifying stories throughout villages, now would they?

Did that sentence make any sense? I have no idea. However, I still think it makes no sense to become all incredulous at the idea of a big hungry thousand pound sharp-toothed beast eating a wimpy little defenseless human. Without technology we’re less fearsome than a friggin’ immobile shellfish.

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NPR! Why, you saucy beast you!

March 5, 2009 at 1:06 pm (Random)

I added the NPR politics news feed to my Twitter feed, and saw this on it today:

Brad Pitt on the Hill today. Not nearly as important as the mortgage bankruptcy bill, but a whole lot cuter!

I might expect those kinds of shenanigans from a racket news outlet, but from NPR? I’m shocked. Shocked I say. I do believe I have the vapors.

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