Overthinking movies ruins them

February 9, 2009 at 8:07 am (Movies) ()

For some reason, last night, I was thinking about how at the end of Ratatouille (I suppose don’t read this if you don’t want to be spoiled, but if you thought a Pixar movie staring talking rats would have anything but a good ending, well, I don’t know what to tell you) all the rats were being well fed and kept by the restaurant–they would totally overrun the whole place because without predators or a limited food source they’d just breed and flourish until the whole world was carpeted in rats. So I was thinking, well I guess the restaurant owners could catch them all and spay and neuter them, although that would be extremely costly.

Then I remembered that I hadn’t seen one female rat the entire movie anyway. Or did I? Is my memory that bad? Did the muscly one show off to chick rats at the end or something? That’s how memorable they were, I guess. I was going to wonder “how did they breed anyway without female rats?” I guess the female rats are all just dull and don’t do anything worth being put in the movie over. This is funny considering if you really do buy a pet rat, the males are generally considered more mellow and the females are more hyper and playful. I wouldn’t call it Barnyard level of epic fail (in that movie they put an udder on a male cow), but c’mon.

I guess if the movie was about a female rat she’d be a shopaholic trying to break into the fashion industry. Or maybe a rat engaged to be married who has to deal with the shenanigans of wedding planning. Or maybe a wistful, single career rat who finds true love in an unexpected place. Ok now I’m just being bitter.

Permalink 1 Comment

OMGWTFBBQ

January 26, 2009 at 10:54 pm (Movies) (, )

I cannot believe that Mall Cop has raked in

$64,923,380

count it

$64,923,380

Look I’m not as annoyed by this movie as Bride Wars or something I just thought it was one drunken producer away from a direct to DVD, that’s all.

I really need to start writing some screenplays!

Permalink Leave a Comment

More on Bride Wars

January 14, 2009 at 2:09 pm (Annoying things, Movies) (, , , )

The last post I made on this was basically incoherent bullshit, but the commenter with the review about whether the movie is “lesbian friendly” made me think about it more. It’s true when I first saw the trailer I thought the movie would be a great setup for two chicks who were always best friends but are marrying dudes realizing they’d really prefer to marry each other. Even if they went through the whole angry wedding day shebang for the lulz and then at the end decided their anger wasn’t really because of the wedding day, it was because of their pent up sexual frustration for each other, it’d be more interesting.

Instead, it’s a vehicle for the message that no matter how much two women might seem like “friends,” in the end they are all harpies who would rip out each others’ still-filtering kidneys and eat them over the real important things–men and marriage.

That’s why the whole thing is sickening to me. The fact that some screenplay writer out there seriously fuckin’ thinks this is how women are, and that enough people also think that for this movie to make $21.1 fuckin million dollars. I wish I could take a shit all over a piece of paper, have it produced, and make $21.1 million dollars. Yeah, I do feel that way about 99% of movies, but this one has a special place in my angry heart.

No I didn’t see it–I am not contributing to the $21.1 fucking million dollars this movie has made. I don’t HAVE to see it. I can tell you all about it from the trailer.

Even if it’s not about “all women,” the whole “lol women are each other’s worst enemy” stereotype just stinks like a fart in the shower. Women aren’t generally a hive of mentally-deficient bees with occasional exceptions who don’t hop on the materialism bandwagon, it’s a bullshit stereotype that too many people believe. I hope this stereotype would die out like a fart in the ocean, but it won’t if people keep eating it up like baked beans at a barbecue. Ok that fart motif could not continue any farther. I guess with the popularity of all the “lol look at these dum bitchz” wedding shows on TV, “Bride Wars” was only a matter of time.

I really honestly believe that the whole bridezillas thing is all Jerry Springerized too–I do not believe there is a woman alive about to get married who acts like that all the time. At least I don’t believe it’s possible without her friends and family telling her to go piss up a rope and then take a long walk on a short pier. I’m pretty sure being on bridezillas must be lucrative somehow, and everyone involved just goes along with it for the money.

This brings me to yet another opportunity to plug Sarah Haskins:

I can’t even be funny about those shows (not that I’m ever funny, but, you know) because they repulse me so much. I’d probably start talking about them and then barf all over my monitor. The idea of destroying Tokyo in a wedding dress does amuse me, though. Have I posted this and said that before? Oh well. I have no room in my brain to remember these things.

Permalink 1 Comment

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

January 14, 2009 at 1:25 am (Annoying things, Movies) (, , )

Something on the list of things that anger me:

for reference: rotten tomatoes

the fact that “Bride Wars” made one goddamn cent, let alone $21.1m

the fact that 12% of critics reviewing “Bride Wars” recommended it rather than vomiting with rage

the fact that the movie “Bride Wars” exists

can I be an arch villain of a movie? I suppose I could arch everyone involved in the damn thing.

Permalink 2 Comments

Predictions for Super Hero movies leading to the Avengers movie

January 10, 2009 at 6:01 pm (Movies) ()

Don’t read this if you haven’t seen Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, or The Dark Knight, and somehow still give a shit if you are spoiled regarding plot elements.

I generally like superhero movies–although I try to stay away from the “hey I bet enough people will see this piece of shit movie that we can make a profit” stuff like Electra and the Fantastic Four movies–but sometimes I wait to see them on DVD if I don’t think they’ll be that hot. With The Incredible Hulk, I’m pretty glad I waited until it came out on DVD to Netflix it.

The Incredible Hulk was pretty fuckin’ much the same movie as Iron Man, except not interesting. It really made me think Iron Man would have sucked were it not for Robert Downey Jr. I mean I know the difference is a dude in a metal suit and a dude that turns into a big angry punchy booger, but both movies are like, dude acquires super ability. Then dude has to fight bigger, evil version dude of himself. Then they’re over. I think Iron Man was better because Tony Stark was a dick who was like, ok I’m not a big enough dick to kill my own people through weapons, and then he was smart and built stuff–and with the Hulk all of the backstory is in flashbacks in the credits and the whole movie consists of him being chased by his girlfriend’s dad and getting shot at and smashing things.

Anyway I’m not trying to review the movie–I just think if the trend for the Captain America and Thor movies are the same, this is what we have to look forward to:

Captain America gets his powers from the government to become a super soldier and then is misunderstood and probably chased by the very military that created him. Then someone uses the same technology that turned him into Captain America to turn into Captain I Hate America (probably a friend of Captain America’s he would never have expected would turn evil), except Captain I Hate America is bigger, but Captain America beats him anyway because he’s smarter and his girlfriend is watching and he doesn’t want to lose in front of her.

Thor comes to power somehow and is misunderstood. The military tries to kill him. He beats up the military while minimizing casualties because even though they are being assholes and trying to kill him, he’s so good he can’t kill them back. Someone somehow gets a hammer that looks just like his except it’s black and becomes the anti-Thor, just like Thor but bigger, evil, and more stupid, and they have an epic showdown in front of Thor’s girlfriend at the end of the movie. Then the military learns to like him.  See I’d go with like, another norse God or something to be the “anti-Thor” but that might be a little too creative.

Hollywood should totally hire me. Look–I’m a blockbuster machine. They wouldn’t like me though because I’d have a hard time swallowing my bile to make a worthless female lead who will inevitably die in the next movie to give the hero a reason to mourn, be super angry, and then of course find a new girlfriend. Well, ok, that hasn’t happened yet, but I would not be surprised to see it happen in the sequels to any other super hero movie. The Dark Knight got halfway there. Arguably, Rachel Dawes was not crappy and worthless–perhaps that’s why she was dooooomed.

I should probably wiki the actual stories of the Thor and Captain America comics since they are two comic book characters that have never interested me worth dick, but I’m not in the mood. If the plots are as I described I’d probably poop myself, and I just don’t feel like soiling my drawers today.

Permalink Leave a Comment

First is Worst

November 24, 2008 at 3:16 pm (Movies, Women) (, , )

I keep trying to start a blog. I have about a billion things I could talk about, but I never know what to put in that *first* blog. I have to get some things out of the way, I suppose.

I curse. A lot. If you find obscenities offensive, this is not the blog for you. I always say, “I am a woman, but I am no lady.” Yep. I ain’t no lady. I’m not afraid of bugs or mice either.

I’m just going to dive right into the first thing I wanted to talk about–women in fiction, movies, TV, etc.

I started thinking about this because the creators of one of my favorite shows (The Venture Bros.) said they don’t have many female characters because they don’t know how to write women. I’m a bit disappointed by that. But I have some advice–

write women the same way you write dudes!

Seriously, women aren’t from outer space (despite the martian moniker I have), they are as variegated and multifaceted as guys are. I can’t even think of a way you could write a male character that you absolutely could not write a female character, aside from genitalia specific things like a character who whips out his dong all the time and pretends his torso is an elephant.

There is such a dearth of interesting female characters out there it makes me sad. For my nanowrimo project 3 out of the 5 main characters are female, and they all have way different personalities. Fancy that. No, they don’t belong to any sewing clubs. They don’t get together in a kitchen to eat and giggle. And they absolutely do not give one flying rat’s ass about purse dogs. Not that anything is wrong with any of that–I’m just saying, those are not the only activities women engage in.

On rotten tomatoes one time a bunch of morons were saying there aren’t a lot of action movies with female leads because it’s implausible. Like, dudes are just that much stronger, right? Give me a break! A guy rolling a car 10 times, opening the door and rolling out of it onto the street while it is ablaze through the air and gunning down the gas tank of the car behind it causing it to explode is implausible no matter who the fuck does it. Having a penis and like twenty pounds more of muscle weight does not make disembowling twenty ninjas while eating a funnel cake in a battle royale more plausible.

I do think being dressed like you’re preparing for a Sports Illustrated photo shoot makes this implausible, however. If I was about to go outside and get in a gun fight I sure as hell would not do it in a thong and halter top.

Anyway, I expect to blog about a lot of random topics. I’m not going to say this blog belongs to any one genre. The only thing I’ll say about it is it’s written from my vantage point atop my particular ivory tower, and hopefully my decrees from up high don’t expose my stupidity and ignorance too much.

Permalink Leave a Comment