Hmm
This blog has been pointless and not cohesive for pretty much forever. I’m going to start a new one that actually has a point but I don’t know when. It’s not like I’ve been posting here anyway, but I’m done with this one. Meh.
In which I have crappy daydreams
Every once in a while I have a daydream about, I don’t know, actually intervening when someone is being attacked on a bus or something–and the purpose of it isn’t to be like “hey neat I’d be a hero,” but to ponder who would be put on the Today show to talk about it since I sure as hell will never allow my mug to ever be on TV. I mean you can totally tell that’s what they do–when someone is unavailable or doesn’t want to be on TV, they seek out a friend or relative to talk about it. I always wonder if said friend or relative is even that close to the person in question.
It’s really funny though when that person wasn’t there, really had nothing to do about it, and is on the Today show by virtue of having the slightest tangential knowledge of the person they actually WANTED to interview. It’s like “oh! What an amazing story! This person used Karate skills to save a bus of school children from a crazed gunman! Get that fucker on! Wait, she isn’t interested in being subjected to our insipid questions at 5 am? Well, shit. Wait, her father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate wants to talk? Just as good!”
Meredith Viera: “Hello, hero’s cousin! How are you today!”
Cousin: <Stares blankly for a good 10 seconds> “Good! Good.”
Meredith Viera: “Isn’t what happened yesterday totally amazing?”
Cousin: “Oh yeah, totally amazing.”
Meredith Viera: “So how long have you known your cousin?”
Cousin: “I guess since birth if you consider being related to someone knowing them!”
Meredith: “Did you think she was capable of such a selfless act and karate skills?”
Cousin: “Yeah, even as a toddler she would apologize after kicking me in the shins and making me buckle over in pain.”
Meredith: “Thank you for talking to us today!”
<Camera pans away>
<Everyone sits around and says the word amazing a dozen times>
I think I talk about the Today Show enough now to make it a tag. That’s kinda sad.
Making up for that last video. . .
Okay, that last video induced a lot of projectile vomiting, but then I saw this video, and my stomach has stopped punishing me and I can clean the walls. This video is really funny, anyway.
Funn
Ok, this is the funniest shit shirt I’ve seen all day–
I was walking to class and I saw a dude with a shirt that said “I Survived the Bush Administration” on top, a photo which I assume was Bush-Administration-Related but was too fuzzy and gray for me to discern its contents, and on the bottom the years 2000-2008.
I wonder if the back said “and all I got was this lousy t-shirt?”
Amazing! What will you tell me next–the sky is blue?
I have no idea why people are still completely shocked and amazed when a wild animal is a “man eater.” Various nature documentaries seek to shock and awe us by describing various tigers, giant snakes, bears, and what have you, as “man eaters.”
Maybe I missed the memo, but I didn’t realize there was something about humans that made them less appetizing to big animals with big sharp teeth. I mean anacondas eat deer, I’m sure they’re pleased as punch when they get the opportunity to eat something that’s already roughly the shape of its own shit, like a human, rather than something with big mean horns and hooves. I’m sure tigers, which eat creatures that can break their limbs and give them massive gashes, see humans as the best snack EVER. I mean crap, we can’t run worth a damn and we run scared from mice.
How the hell is anyone shocked when various predators eat humans? I’d be more shocked if a lion was like, “damn I’m totally not going after that naked, defenseless villager because it’s a man. I’d much rather take on this fierce water buffalo and its angry kindred.”
Are great white sharks bloodthirsty mankillers or just misunderstood?!? I dunno–a dude on a surfboard is probably a hell of a lot slower than a seal, that shark is probably hungry, what the fuck do you think?
I get that some animals might learn, “damn humans have guns and those hurt. I’m going to stay away from those fuckers.” But it’s not as if anacondas have an oral tradition to pass this down to their eggs they don’t even rear. Is the suggestion that predators should have humans = not food ingrained into their instincts through genetics? If staying away from humans was the smart genetic path the not-so-smart “man eaters” wouldn’t be the ones to create generations of horrifying stories throughout villages, now would they?
Did that sentence make any sense? I have no idea. However, I still think it makes no sense to become all incredulous at the idea of a big hungry thousand pound sharp-toothed beast eating a wimpy little defenseless human. Without technology we’re less fearsome than a friggin’ immobile shellfish.
NPR! Why, you saucy beast you!
I added the NPR politics news feed to my Twitter feed, and saw this on it today:
Brad Pitt on the Hill today. Not nearly as important as the mortgage bankruptcy bill, but a whole lot cuter!
I might expect those kinds of shenanigans from a racket news outlet, but from NPR? I’m shocked. Shocked I say. I do believe I have the vapors.
What the fuck ever, motorolla
Okay, so, if I try to send my husband a text message calling him “sexy,” after I put in “sex” and I’m waiting for the “y,” it auto-fills in the word “sextant.”
Who in the hamsterfucking wart-encrusted blue fuck is going to say sextant in a text message?
The first definition of sextant is:
an astronomical instrument used to determine latitude and longitude at sea by measuring angular distances, esp. the altitudes of sun, moon, and stars.
It’s hard for me to even imagine a fucking sailor would send that word in a text message these days.
“Arr I can’t find me sextant, or I’d be right there.” And then they’d look down and notice they had no cell signal in the middle of the goddamned ocean.
Maybe Captain Licebeard shouldn’t be texting while sailing, anyway!
a unit of angular distance equal to 60 degrees
Is more likely to be used, I suppose.
“Hey honey I’ll be right there as soon as I turn around this sextant bend.”
In that case I also say, don’t fucking text while driving, you assface.
The word fill in feature of my phone is so very rarely useful, and as in the aforementioned circumstance, a source of bewilderment. I suppose this is also because very few people aside from me regularly spell out every word, and use non-words like friggin’ in their text messages, but I have a feeling more people use friggin’ than use sextant. Just a hunch.
The virtues of predictability?
People often feel their lives are boring and need to be spiced up when it becomes routine. They feel their marriages are stale, their lives have become a cyclical series of the same events day in and day out, they just need a Corvette and a trip to Africa or something!
I however, enjoy the routine my husband and I have settled into. We go to our respective places of work and school, come home and eat dinner, play video games and discuss world affairs, enjoy some cuddle time, perhaps watch a movie, go to bed. Every Saturday we go out to eat. We meet with friends to play board games on occassion. We don’t do anything particularly exciting, but we enjoy what we do even if there’s not a whole lot of spontaneity involved.
The most spontaneity I really want is, “hey, let’s go mini golfing” on a day we didn’t really have anything planned.
My husband and I were watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind the other day (which is a good movie, one of my favorites), and the main female character, Clementine, is extremely spontaneous. I said to him, “man I’m just about the opposite of her, I’m not at all spontaneous!” to which he replied, “neither am I. We work out that way.”
So, mini golfing, okay. Breaking into someone else’s house and drinking their booze, not so much!
We’re risk adverse, we’re boring. Whatever.
I guess if I thought my life had to be like a romance movie I’d hate it. Then again I’m sure the couples who live happily ever after in a romance movie will eventually settle into a routine of TV watching, farting and beer drinking. I guess those couples are the subject of awful post-marriage fighting couple movies like Christmas with the Kranks.
More on chimps, whatever
Okay it’s funny that I was ranting about chimps as pets the other day, and then watched a documentary on various monkeys last night. The former had nothing to do with the latter, that just happened to be what was next in ye olde netflix cue.
Anyway, I think anyone who wants a chimp or a monkey as a pet really needs to watch some nature documentaries about them first. Not touchy feely ones either, I mean the ones that show everything. EVERYTHING. Their dicks constantly waving around, the brutal beatings and murders of group members for seemingly no reason, honestly they aren’t cute. If you wouldn’t want a gun-waving three year old with no concept of laws in your house, you wouldn’t want a fucking primate of any sort, trust me.
I’ve already beaten that subject to death–wait, that was probably a poor choice of metaphor, sorry (or is it idiom? It’s too early in the morning for anything resembling an English class). I’d just like to say–man I love nature documentaries. I could watch baboon fights all day.
It also got me thinking–humans, the top-o-the-heap creature, sure evolved from the ugliest and crappiest of what earth had to offer. Yes I realize that thought isn’t scientific at all, but it’s fun to think about what it’d be like if it was some sort of parrot people or big cat people dominated the earth rather than great ape people. I really sound like a furry now, but maybe the smarter an animal is the uglier it gets. Pygmy marmosets are pretty damn adorable, but by the time you get to chimps it’s like, watching these animals commit gang murder and trade chunks of monkey for sex–well it’s enough to make a nihilist outta me.
My theory about humans trading poop flinging for money and alpha males for CEOs is totally true. This is not going to help me when I listen to someone argue about social order for whatever reason (usually by using religion as an argument for why I should be religious) and I start thinking about a shit flinging bonobo, for sure. Maybe the only good response to such postulating is to start howling and beating my chest and throwing feces.
