Thoughts about the Superbowl
This morning the fruit loops on the Today show were going on and on about how great and exciting the superbowl was. I was like, dude were we watching the same game? Meh. It was close but I guess since I was pulling for the Cardinals I was just frustrated by their bungling stupidity and the prevent defense, which is essentially the prevent winning defense. I was also disappointed because the word “penetration” was said before I could even make myself a drink to start my drinking game.
Anyway, football is my least favorite sport, but I make the superbowl interesting for myself by pulling for whichever team ESPN would prefer to lose. This is difficult when both teams are on the east coast, because ESPN is the Eastern Sports Propaganda Network and each sportscaster constantly slurps the collective ballsacks of every player and coach of teams on the east coast. Since Pittsburgh is farther east than Arizona, obviously their favorite at this time was easy to discern.
I watched a little bit of the pregame stuff and it was the most boring shit I’ve ever seen in my life. I also become easily nauseated by just how seriously sportscasters take themselves. It’s like watching verbal autofellatio for hours on end. Most of them are totally obnoxious too. Chris Berman and his “BACK BACK BACK BACK” bullshit when he announces baseball games, particularly the homerun derby, makes me want to set my nosehairs on fire to distract myself from the pain of listening to his shtick.
Anyway, the actual superbowl was on NBC so I was at least spared from ESPN crap during the actual game.
I don’t know how GoDaddy has this reputation for having “provocative” commercials. This year they had one where a bunch of women are in a court room accusing each other of “enhancing” and we’re supposed to be like “lol they do hae giant fake boobs” except one woman admits it, but then says she “enhanced” whatever the fuck it was by doing something on GoDaddy.com. Are we really supposed to believe that women are somehow ashamed of “enhancing” when they get boob jobs? Are you kidding me? More women have boob jobs than have natural breasts now a days, give me a fucking break. Maybe it should have been the other way around–”your boobs still move when you walk! Obviously you haven’t done enough to alter your body to the desires of the viewing public.” Geez.
I remember there having been a Budweiser commercial but it was so stupid I don’t remember it, I only remember it STILL said what separates Budweiser from the chaff is “drinkability,” and I still think that’s a ridiculously stupid ad campaign.
I also stuffed myself full of chips and dip. That had to be the best part.
Hardcore sports fans need to realize something
Too often have I farted around various sports forums when a previously shithholish team (e.g. Tampa Bay, AZ Cardinals) makes it to the big show, only to see the “real fans,” the “hardcore fans,” the fans who have stuck it through the years and years of disappointing, sub-par seasons, piss and moan about all the new bandwagon fans. They hate the fact that others are enjoying this success when they hadn’t put in their time beforehand.
I feel quite the opposite. If I’ve liked a team that draws a crowd which consists of one church group that does the wave the whole time, they suddenly start going somewhere and games are selling out, that’s awesome. Bandwagonners are how a team develops a hardcore fan base. People who just became Tampa Bay and Cardinals fans this year are either going to drop off when they don’t win it again next year, or will become fans for a good long time. In order for the team to give YOU more enjoyment, the ownership NEEDS these bandwaggoners turned hardcore fans in order to build their revenue base and continue bringing a quality product for years to come.
The stupid Marlins are the one exception to this because that whole team is a scam where the owner could give a fig if he gets 5 people to the games because he makes money from playing the revenue tax game, but that’s a story for another hour and probably the two people who read this blog would stop reading it immediatley should I rant about it.
I guess what I’m saying is, don’t scoff at the bandwaggoners. Don’t tell the suddenly-excited newbs visiting your message boards to fuck off and die, embrace them. You may have been a fan since ‘78, but in 2038 these people will be there to chest pound about how they’ve been fans since 2008, and no one’s penis gets any longer depending on how long he or she has patronized a particular sports franchise, BELIEVE ME. I’d been a fan of one particular baseball team practically since I was born, and I don’t even have a penis yet. True story.
Men’s sports are so homoerotic
Man, I do enjoy watching sports. After this hectic semester is over I will probably spend a lot of time on the sofa with my husband, drinking hard lemonade, and watching basketball and football. It’s pretty obvious to me, though, that sports are ever so much a fabulously gay parade of sexual innuendo and man-to-man touchy-feelyness. Yes I am allowed to invent words.
I think in the order of homoeroticness, stuff like pro-wrestling and that ultimate cage fighting stuff (is it UCF? That doesn’t sound right. I don’t watch it. I don’t remember the acronym) must come out on top. These are followed by football, basketball, hockey and baseball. Other sports can probably fit in there too but I’m too lazy to think of them and order them.
Wrestling and cage fighting is pretty obvious. I mean all it is pretty much is dudes with intertanged limbs squirming around on the ground, their bodies grinding against each other, their sweat intermingling, flesh on flesh. The fact that pain is involved does not change this fact–if anything, it makes it more kinky. I know a few gay men who find these sorts of sports to be a guilty pleasure.
Football is pretty good for this. You cannot listen to a game for five seconds without hearing things about penetrating holes and tight ends. It’s also fun when one player tackles another and it’s shown again in slow motion, and you realize one guy’s tightly-wrapped ballsack just sort of rolled over the face of the other guy. I saw this happen the other day and I pretty much started pointing at the screen shouting, “dude, that guy was totally teabagged. That guy totally just got teabagged!” And my husband sort of just sits there and goes “yup.” The ass slapping is a nice touch too.
Basketball is a lot less groping, fondling and dry-humping, but the commentary can get pretty good. There is lots and lots of hole penetration in basketball. If basketball was a rectum it would be the size of the lincoln tunnel–to borrow a phrase from a friend (she writes the “I love junk” blog in my blogroll). There’s a lot of talk of “good” penetration. Sometimes there needs to be more penetration. In any case, if you were watching basketball and took a shot of vodka every time the word penetration was uttered, you’d probably be comatose by the end of the game.
Hockey is really not all that homoerotic I guess. There’s a lot of body checking involved, I guess that’s nice. They are dudes on ice skates, but I’m not into that kind of stereotyping. I don’t care if they are in pink tutus. Clothing does not a gay man make. Dry humping another man probably at least takes you out of the zero range on the Kinsey scale.
Baseball does not have a lot of touching. I guess the whole bat and balls thing could be seen as pretty phallic, but those bats do too much slapping and not enough penetrating, imo.
I was going to mention soccer, but the only thing really mentionable about soccer in general is the theatrics. Some guy could walk by and barely brush another guy’s arm, and the first guy will fall down, writing in pain, weeping, gnashing his teeth. Moments later he will get back up and be in the game. I watch a good bit of women’s soccer, but for some reason I’m having a brain fart as to if this happens in women’s soccer. According to my husband there’s a little bit of acting, but they don’t act like huge whining babies like the men do. He also informs me that your mileage may vary as to how pathetic the players are–if there’s a women’s football league in Europe (I should probably google this but I’m lazy and have 3 papers to write that I am procrastinating), he says they probably flop around as much as the men because of how competitive it is. I guess the more competitive you are, the more you act like one molecule of another person touching you just gave you internal hemorrhaging.
Anyway, that is my opinion on the nature of men’s sports. I should write about women’s sports sometime because no one except me seems to care about them.
