An ivory tower that touches the moon

So, Kate Harding co-authored a book called “Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere: Quit Dieting and Declare a Truce with Your Body.” It’s the subject of the top three posts on the blog so go there for more info and squeeing over its high spots on bookseller lists.

I didn’t want to clog up any of those celebratory threads by making fun of reviewers, though, so I’m doing it here.

I think the idea of people reviewing things they haven’t even read is totally hilarious and should be done everywhere. I think more people should flip through a couple of pages of a book and then go review it–or even better–just look at the title and assume its contents. In this case–said reviewers assume–from a few pages and the title, that “Lessons from the Fat-O-Sphere” is all about how we should all go bathe in pies to purposely get diabetes.

So, I’m going to go review “Lord of the Rings” and say, “is this book a joke? A book about rings? Rings are boring, stationary objects. This whole book is probably a scam contrived by DeBeers to get us to buy more blood diamonds. Do not read!”

And then I’m going to review “Walden Pond” and say “I picked up this book thinking it’d be about humor, but after reading a few pages I learned it really is about a guy who lived by a POND. So, apparently, living by a pond makes you an expert on ponds. Apparently the whole medical industry is wrong about how murky pond water is full of bacteria and parasites and is unhealthy to ingest. I could blog about organic chemistry but it doesn’t mean I actually KNOW anything about it. Living by a pond doesn’t make you an expert on ponds!”

Oh, and then I’ll review “The Seven Spirtual Laws of Success” and say, “look. I’m a law student, and I’m around a lot of lawyers. I can tell you right now not one of them would ever say there is any sort of ‘law of success.’ Don’t come crying to us when you try to sue in court to uphold this ‘law of success.’ Pffft.”

Then I’ll move onto other media. I’ll review a “Squirrel Nut Zippers” CD and say “who would want to hear a bunch of squirrels putting nuts into zippers? I sure wouldn’t. Is this a joke?”

I’ll review “Fried Green Tomatoes,” the movie, and say “I do not know how a cookbook got made into a movie, but how boring! Fried Green Tomatoes are gross, too. Why would anyone want to watch a movie about making a disgusting food? I’ve been around a lot of lawyers, and let me tell you, none of them would want to watch a movie about cooking.”

Sure, I won’t get many positive clicks for “was this review helpful to you?” But then again, being completely uninformed doesn’t stop anyone else from blasting their opinions everywhere like so much explosive diarrhea, so why should it stop me?