In other news, the sky is blue!
Ok, this totally astounds me.
Apparently, a study had to be done to determine whether crabs feel pain.
Seriously, all this time I thought crabs and lobster were boiled alive because people just didn’t give a shit whether they felt pain, not because people actually thought they didn’t feel pain. I didn’t know one would have to inflict pain on a crab and record the results to determine that crabs don’t like hurty.
I think this article is in that same “does a bear shit in the woods?” category. Duh animals enjoy sex. I’m pretty sure my cat doesn’t incessantly lick his own dick because he wants to clean it. Do scientists not own pets? I guess it seemed obvious to me that animals sat around fighting for mates all the time because they were horny, not because they were actually thinking about passing on their genes. Nature shows make it seem as if the latter is their reasoning, but if that were the case animals would have to have a greater capacity for introspection than humans have. I know I wasn’t thinking about passing along my genes when I was having sex with my boyfriend in my truck cab when I was 17. Hell quite the opposite considering we used a condom.
Hey my fuckity fuck fuck tag is literal this time.
Baby Jesus Christ on a flaming pogo stick on a derailing rollercoaster
And I bet these are the same people who refuse to believe humans evolved from a primate ancestor. Well, and they’re so stupid they think evolution means “if we evolved from monkeys why are there still monkeys.”
Sometimes I think we probably devolved from monkeys.
I can’t even really form a commentary on this horse shit because the stupidity just speaks for itself, and, well, the Canadians in the comments sum it up pretty well.
I guess the only thing I can add really that’s a side point–these fuckin dingleberries said something like, “Andrew Leslie, an unusual name for a man–”
Errr, even assuming their bullshit machismo emasculating ideas regarding first names which can be both male and female were true, it sounded like it was the dude’s last name. I didn’t realize even last names had to be totally manly macho to pass the muster of fascist conservative gender-role enforcers. I guess any man with a last name that isn’t “Danger” or “Killmaster” needs to go change it RIGHT NOW!
There really was so much “lol Canadians aren’t MACHO enough” in this it was nauseating. I wish these fuckfaces would start their own Theocracy on a deserted island somewhere already.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHA
What the hell man. Is this a joke? Is this for real? This cannot be fucking serious. HuffPo is pulling my leg and I do not appreciate it.
Tucker Carlson. . .calling Jon Stewart a partisan hack.
I don’t care if Jon Stewart is a “partisan hack” (whatever the fuck that means, I’m pretty sure Jon Stewart never pretended to be fair and balanced, and I didn’t realize there was a law against being partisan). . .
I don’t care how big of a “partisan hack” he is.
Even assuming Jon Stewart IS a partisan hack, Tucker Carlson calling ANYONE a partisan hack is like. . .
It’s like Barry Bonds calling A-Rod a ‘roid head
It’s like Dick Cheney calling a bear a godless killing machine.
It’s like Eminem calling Weird Al “whitey.”
It’s like Budweiser calling Coors urine-like swill.
It’s like The Star calling The National Enquirer a trashy rag.
It’s like an undead calling an orc stinky.
I think you get the picture.
It’s the quintessential “hey there pot, meet kettle!”
Is this man seriously that delusional, or does the entire aggregate of republican pundits consist of bizarre, highly coordinated, Kaufman-esque performance artists? It’s either one. There is no other option. I’ve seriously thought that about Ann Coulter for a long time, I really think she’s the most elaborate instance of satire ever, but apparently EVERYONE is getting in on the act.
What the fuck ever, motorolla
Okay, so, if I try to send my husband a text message calling him “sexy,” after I put in “sex” and I’m waiting for the “y,” it auto-fills in the word “sextant.”
Who in the hamsterfucking wart-encrusted blue fuck is going to say sextant in a text message?
The first definition of sextant is:
an astronomical instrument used to determine latitude and longitude at sea by measuring angular distances, esp. the altitudes of sun, moon, and stars.
It’s hard for me to even imagine a fucking sailor would send that word in a text message these days.
“Arr I can’t find me sextant, or I’d be right there.” And then they’d look down and notice they had no cell signal in the middle of the goddamned ocean.
Maybe Captain Licebeard shouldn’t be texting while sailing, anyway!
a unit of angular distance equal to 60 degrees
Is more likely to be used, I suppose.
“Hey honey I’ll be right there as soon as I turn around this sextant bend.”
In that case I also say, don’t fucking text while driving, you assface.
The word fill in feature of my phone is so very rarely useful, and as in the aforementioned circumstance, a source of bewilderment. I suppose this is also because very few people aside from me regularly spell out every word, and use non-words like friggin’ in their text messages, but I have a feeling more people use friggin’ than use sextant. Just a hunch.
You know what else the stimulus costs more than?
This morning, on the Today show, which faithfully coaxes me out of bed every morning so I can escape its inanity, Palin’s 2012 competition for President was on flapping his gums about Obama’s address last night.
Look, it was already silly when the comparisons of “if you spent a million dollars every day since Jesus was born you couldn’t spend that much money!” were bandied about. I do think what I heard this morning takes the cake, though.
Apparently, the stimulus package costs too much because it’s more than the Louisiana Purchase.
The bleedin’ Louisiana purchase! Are you kidding me? Warren Buffet probably spends more on a toilet paper roll than the cost of the Louisiana Purchase. Maybe he was accounting for inflation, but I doubt it considering you could probably buy a house for a thin nickle wafer back then and the fucking Louisiana Purchase was fifteen fucking million fucking dollars. Without accounting for inflation, this amount is laughably paltry. Being a fifteen millionaire will only buy you a small army of Lamborghini Murcielagos. Ben Roethlisberger makes more in a year than the fucking Louisiana Purchase cost. I bet Dick Cheney’s basement bunker cost more than that. I googled to find sites which account for inflation, but they are fraught with commenters saying the methodology is flawed so I will continue to believe not only do we really not know, the comparison is still fucking stupid no matter what because this is a stimulus package and not a Louisiana Territory.
I don’t claim to know if this stimulus package will be effective, or if it’s too much money, but I sure as hell would like to see a better argument in opposition other than “look at the big number! Look, I said the word Jesus! Look, you could buy a thousand hookers and fifty pounds of blow every day during your life for this amount!” for sure. If it takes a big number of Jesus money to keep us all from fighting for road kill in the middle of pothole-ridden, deserted, post-apocalyptic streets, then I don’t give a shit how many necromancers could raise Jesus from the dead for that money, really.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Bathroom
I feel really bad for someone like me who spends the vast majority of his or her day in a public place, such as school or work, but cannot go poop in a public restroom. I typically don’t have this problem, except for when there’s a huuuge line out the bathroom door. I can go anywhere, anytime, unless I think someone is waiting for me. If there are many, many people behind me in line, I figure they’ll be like, “what is she doing in there, making origami?” and then I can’t go.
There is one bathroom at my school that 99% of the female population goes to during the first five minutes after every class session, or during breaks for long classes. This is typically when I have to go to the bathroom as well, but I’ve figured out that there are about three bathrooms within two minutes of each other at my school, and people only use one of them. I’m not sure why only a handful of people have figured this out, but it’s convenient. The world would just be a better place if we could maximize our time by spending the least amount of time in bathroom lines and spread out through all available bathrooms.
I guess it’s not just that I have a shy colon if I think someone is paying attention to me while on the can, I hate waiting in line for the bathroom in general, anywhere. It angers me. Little kids just go in front of you even if you’ve been waiting forever, there’s a 99% chance the stall that opens for you is soaked in urine, there’s also a large chance it just ran out of toilet paper and when you leave there will be mass confusion over whether you have to go to the end of the line, everyone will be angry with you, the next person will try and go in there and you’ll be like “there’s no TP!” and you’ll have to tell fifty people that as they each individually consider you to be a fool and try it for themselves. I can’t avoid situations like this at sports venues and movie theaters, but at least I can avoid it at school. Then a lot of the time there’s one stall that’s been closed for just about forever and you’re thinking, well maybe it’s closed and no one is in there, but I don’t want to look for feet because even then the person inside is likely to see my head under the door, and then the person behind you walks in and you feel like an idiot, and also angry because it was it your goddamned turn. Truly there is nothing more annoying to me than waiting in line in a bathroom.
I guess people who get tired of long lines at the popular bathroom should go on a little exploration adventure and see if there’s another one around in a place less obvious that most people wouldn’t expect. Then the horrors of bathroom lines are avoidable.
